Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
