you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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