You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
