i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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