My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
