i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
