Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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