Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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