Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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