using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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