brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
