I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
