The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the condom got lost in my hair
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
