He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
