The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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