What did we do last night that was yellow?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Pooping to opera.
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