I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
