The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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