she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
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IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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