please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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