someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
