I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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