Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
