ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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