First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
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You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
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I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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