Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
