I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
