You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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