Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
