I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
