fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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