my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
That was before I lit my hair on fire
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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