Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize