Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
