So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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