I wish my penis had an off switch
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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