i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
