i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
