She is in my trunk
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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