Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the room spins SO much faster in panama
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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