I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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