EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
