if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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