Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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