I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
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My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
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Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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