I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
