i just wanna soil my oats bro
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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