You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
