He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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