I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
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She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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