According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
