My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
