I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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