That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just invented taco cereal.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He? As in you personified your dick?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
