Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
